When Giving Goes Wrong
On Generosity and Love
My Love1,
I’ve been thinking about the great act of love that is Generosity. And, when I say thinking about, I mean grappling with!
Money and the Milkman
When I was a teenager, I worked for the milkman. Our round was in leafy, affluent Edgbaston and I would get up at 4 am to deliver the milk in all weathers. On Thursday and Friday night’s I would knock on all the doors to collect the milk money and any odd jobs.
I was loaded and come Christmas I felt like a millionaire. The tips were incredible. On Christmas Eve I would wake up with £400 in my pocket, hit the Pallasades in Birmingham City Centre and blow the lot on presents.
Money and the Wedding
On my wedding day, in my dad’s speech he likened me to Babette from the 1987 Danish movie, Babette’s feast. In the story, Babette wins the lottery and spends every penny on a feast for a bunch of mean spirited villagers. Of course, this act of generosity transforms all their relationships in ways she couldn’t have predicted.
My dad said my generosity was my greatest strength and weakness.
Generosity is a noble trait that also feels good (which is helpful if you have a secret fear that underneath it all you’re just a bad person). However, let’s face it, never having any savings, isn’t ideal so there is a definite destructive side to giving…
Over-Generous?
Many of us have a Martyr Archetype who gives until there is nothing left (and then gets resentful and shouts at everyone!). It’s a very common trait in motherhood, I talk about my experience of it in How to Divorce Sober, and a reason we are reminded on planes to put on our own oxygen masks first!
Giving until there is nothing left is no good for anyone.
The other flip side of being over-generous (or too people pleasey) is it can be creepy.
In the dating world, I’ve been on the receiving end of too many gifts. I promise you there is such a thing and it felt manipulative.
The Antidote
So … I want to give. I want to be generous. I also want everyone to feel good about it, including me. What’s the balance?!
I believe the key to the generosity balancing act is receiving!
How to win friends and influence tells us that people like you more when they do YOU a favour! Of course, intention is everything (again, we’re not trying to manipulate here!).
Asking for and receiving help improves connection.
And yet, it’s also an act of bravery according to Ryan Holiday in Courage is Calling.
Receiving can be really quite tricky if you’re used to doing all the giving. It can feel vulnerable! Like you’re admitting to your failings or you can feel guilty, or spoilt, or just generally weird!
How good are you at receiving?
Are you allowing your loved ones to give to you?
Are you giving them opportunities to help you in ways that you genuinely need it?
Can you receive these gifts and feel good about it?!
Because I believe receiving is just as much an act of love as giving is.
What a gorgeous cycle of generosity ❤️
It’s so fascinating and I’m not convinced that I’m at the bottom of it yet (there’s also Self-care, which is literally learning how to give what we need to ourselves2. And therefore, can we receive it without guilt? I hope so ❤️)…
However, I do know that I’ll tread lightly as I go into the Christmas period - where we put undue pressure on ourselves and there’s a collective feeling of …
MORE, MORE, MORE!
Even if my body is shouting at me “It’s not enough”, which it will, I am going to be extra mindful to breathe through that discomfort … (See the P.S. for your invitation to join me)
Giving and receiving is a beautiful act of love - I welcome and lean into this and will keep reminding myself that it is enough. I am enough (for more on Enough, see this month).
Over-giving (of myself, my resources, my time) depletes everyone involved.
On that note, my love, you are enough and I’m grateful that you’re here. I have a pressie to say thank you below.
Love Hannah XOX
P.S. Free Guided Meditation
On Monday, 2nd December, at 7pm, I am hosting a 30-min guided meditation on the spirit of giving and receiving. We’ll explore feeling safe and connecting to ‘enough-ness’.
This is free for everyone. It is recorded and emailed out so if you can’t come live, NP. It also means that you can use the replay over the festive period as much as you need it!
P.P.S. This event is a celebration because I’ve just done something scary …
I have written a free blog and newsletter, and added in a free podcast, for nearly 13 years. I love doing them and I’ve also never given you the opportunity to support me or my work.
For the first time, I’ve created an upgraded subscription package, right here in Substack!
I can now share the beautiful work I’m doing to help gorgeous souls, just like you, to feel safe, grounded, stronger and more in love with life.
See, I’m practising Giving and Receiving!
From as little as £1.67/week, upgraded subscribers get extra benefits, such as:
❤️ Live fortnightly calls on love, ending with an integrating guided meditation (recorded so you can watch later if you can’t come live) - the free guided meditation on 2nd December will show you exactly what this will be like.
❤️ Access to a library of guided meditations and yoga practises to tackle blockers to joy and love (e.g. overwhelm, stress, resistance to pleasure, etc), which will grow over time.
❤️ New Season Ceremonies for strong intention setting - The Winter Solstice Ceremony will be on 21st December, welcoming in the element of Water which governs winter. More on this next week!
❤️ And, community - a space to chat and ask questions and connect with each other.
I’m opening this portal to receive and ask for your help in making this beautiful new space full of love, joy and connection! You can also gift a subscription to a friend.
You are currently a free subscriber, hello! And, you’ll continue to get my weekly Love Notes as long as you want them.
Every time I write ‘My Love’ or ‘My Sweet’ I start singing Sunshine by Sia from her AMAZING Christmas Album. Please know that as it’s nearly Christmas, I’m now listening to this album on a LOOP!
It’s a game changer for anyone post-divorce looking to start dating again. I’d go so far as to say don’t even think about dating apps until you’ve mastered this!
I’ve realised this year that - generally speaking - as women, we hold a belief that to prove our value/worth, we must over give and self sacrifice. It’s helped me realise here and there where I was still over-giving! And allowing resentment to creep in.
The other year, I switched my word of the year to “receive” half way through. Because I realised that if I didn’t have the capacity to receive then i wouldn’t be able to welcome in all that I desired!
Wrapping my head around the fact that other people love to help (just as much as I do) has been massive to lean into and learn. It’s definitely brought about a lot more ease into my life 💖
✨❣️✨ lots to think on here Hannah! My grandparents had a newsagent and I often did the paper round with my gramps. ✨